The Captain of the Douches

On Thursday I played against the worst player I can remember. Not the worst in terms of poker, but this guy was just THE WORST!

While waiting for the $2/$3/$5 game I sat down at a new $1/$1/$2. The guy to my right was a young white guy with a loose fitting tank top, basketball shorts, a backwards hat, sunglasses and a couple of gold chains. He announced that this was his first time playing in person, but that he had played online.

He had no clue what was going on. He tried to buy in for $1,000 in a $200 max buy in game (the least of his offences). On the first hand, when the dealer told him it was "two to go" he threw in two yellow $5 chips thinking he was calling. He never once acted without being prompted by the dealer. He never once acted without taking 10 seconds or more. He couldn't keep track of who was in the hand and kept getting upset about it. He was blaming the other players for hiding their cards when everyone had them in front of their chip stacks.

He would NOT STOP TALKING! Holy shit! It's been two days and just thinking about this guy makes me angry. After 15 minutes I had had enough and went to go play $6/$12 instead. I didn't care how much money I could potentially make from the guy, I couldn't take it.

90 minutes later I got called for $2/$3/$5 and guess who was there? The Captain of the Douches. He hadn't gotten any better. It is excruciating to have the dealer tell the same person 2 or 3 times every time it is their turn to act when they are in every hand and never ever know what it's going on.

Dealer: It's on you.
Douche: (silence)
Dealer: It's on you, $5 to call.
Douche: I check.
Dealer: You can't check. It's $5 to call.
Douch: Who is in the hand?
Dealer: There are two callers. It's $5 to call.
Douche: (after 10 seconds puts in a $5 chip)
(the flop comes out)
Dealer: It's on you. Check or bet.
Douche: How much is it?
Dealer: Check or bet.
Douche: Who is in the hand?
Dealer: 4 players
Douche: (after 10 seconds taps the table to check)
Dealer: (after another player bets $50) It's on you. $50 to call.
Douche: (taps the table to attempt to check).
Dealer: There's a bet of $50.
Douche: (taps the table even harder to attempt to check)
Dealer: You can't check, it's $50 to you.
Douche: How much?
Dealer: $50 (thinking "I just told you three fucking times is was $50 to go you douche!")
Douche: (Takes 30 seconds to count out 14 $5 chips one at a time)
Dealer: (pushes back the 4 extra chips).
Dealer: Check or bet.
Douche: Who is in the hand?
Dealer: One other player over there.
Douche: I check
Dealer: He's all in for $200
Douche: How much is it?
Dealer: $200
Douche: How much does he have left?
Dealer: He's all in for $200.
Douche: (Puts $75 in the pot) I RE-raise!
Dealer: You're calling?
Douche: Yeah...Oh he's all in OK.
Dealer: He calls. The player over there has aces up.
Douche: (silence)
Dealer: Turn over your hand.
Douche: What? Did he call me?
Dealer: He has aces up. Turn your hand over.
Douche: (Turns over one pair of fives)
Dealer (pushes the pot)
Douche: What did he have? You guys have to stop hiding your cards.

It was like this hand after hand! And it's not like he was just confused, he was a dick too.

He was nursing a Bud Lite or two, but it seemed pretty clear he was on something else. Before long the shift manager cut him off from drinking and told him he had to speed it up or they'd pick him up.

10 hands later (which took about 45 minutes) I was losing $200 and ready to swallow some poker chips in the hopes that I'd choke on them, pass out and wake up in the hospital far far away from this guy.

Then he got involved in a hand where on the turn his opponent moved all in on him. Since he knew it was going to take an eon and a half for the Douche to call him, he picked up his phone and started playing a game. The Douche cried foul! "You're going to let him just use his phone in the middle of a hand?" First he complained to the dealer and then to a floorman who was passing by. He then pointed out another person nearby who was just standing around and accused his opponent of somehow collaborating with the other guy to cheat him. Someone could be texting the guy the Douche's exact two cards and it wouldn't matter - he was already all in! This logic was lost on the Douche.

The floor man told him to act on his hand. Out of sheer anger the Douche folded. Then he took out his phone and said "So I can just start taking pictures in the middle of a hand?" The floor man told him that no actually he couldn't take pictures or video, but texting or playing games while you're not in a hand or have moved in and there's nothing left for you to do, is OK.

The Douche was not to be deterred! "This is bull shit! I'm going to fucking sue this place!" The floorman said "Ok that's it, grab your chips, let's go." The floorman had to rack up the Douche's chips and he spent about 30 second talking about suing before being escorted off.

About 3 minutes later I heard him cry out "HE HIT ME!" and turned around to see him with a security guard and the shift manager. I can say for 100% sure that there was no chance either of them had hit him, but it looked like they both wanted to tear his head off. They hustled him out the front door and my guess is he met with the police out there shortly after.

As soon as that was over, things got back to normal. I played another 2 hours, made a few big hands and walked out the door with $695 more than I walked in with.

I really hope I never see that guy again.